Log in

No account? Create an account
+locked inside my head v1.0+ the silence is what kills me [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Dec 2003|09:56pm]
This is just to let you all know that I have a new journal.

To be added to that list, you must comment here.

So. Yes. I'm not giving out my LJ name until you do.

Mmk. Thanks.

21 bled to death // dying inside

[15 Dec 2003|07:36pm]

So. Yeah. Here's a picture of me. I'm the one with the cat whiskers.
6 bled to death // dying inside

GRR [15 Dec 2003|05:41pm]
I hate Amy. ><;

Okay. No I don't. I love Amy.

I hate myself. Even though I am so fucking pissed off at her.

I haven't updated in a while. Yeah. I lied. It wasn't LJ's fault.. It was mine.


She lied to me. Not as if anyone actually cares.. But she did. Again. But first let me explain the thing with Amy before I even start on the Mother thing.

GIowing Me [5:36 PM]: btw. i'm sorry you're in a bad mood. but i'm not in the best mood myself right now so i can't help you.
Iittle girlscout [5:36 PM]: it's ok. nothing can really help me. i'm just being a little pussy
GIowing Me [5:37 PM]: yes. you are. and you're whining too. obviously you want the truth, so i'll tell you it.
Iittle girlscout [5:37 PM]: yea
GIowing Me [5:37 PM]: you're mother is not the worst mother in the world. trust me. my mom has actually shoved me out of a car, while it was going. so don't feel bad. and you shouldn't say you hate your mother, because you will regret it if she would die.
Iittle girlscout [5:38 PM]: sure
GIowing Me [5:38 PM]: and you know i love you. bunches. more than anything. you're one of my best friends. so think about it this way..
GIowing Me [5:38 PM]: would i say these things if they weren't true?
Iittle girlscout [5:38 PM]: i don't give a shit, autumn
Iittle girlscout [5:38 PM]: because i'm not upset about that anymore.
GIowing Me [5:38 PM]: maybe that's the problem.
GIowing Me [5:38 PM]: you don't give a shit.
Iittle girlscout [5:38 PM]: yeah i don't
GIowing Me [5:38 PM]: you ask people to understand when you don't even fucking understand them.
Iittle girlscout [5:39 PM]: yep
GIowing Me [5:39 PM]: yeah
Iittle girlscout [5:39 PM]: anyway. have a nice night.
Iittle girlscout [5:39 PM]: bye.
GIowing Me [5:39 PM]: yeah.

I'm fucking over her. I'm over the people that make me feel like shit when they ask me to understand.. And then when I try to, they fucking act like idiots.

Let me tell you something you worthless pieces of shit.

I have my own problems, if you weren't aware of them. Want to know what they are?

Yeah. My Mom is a fucking CRACK ADDICT! My Dad is filing for custody, did I mention that he doesn't believe in child abuse?

The people that I live with currently think that I'm fucking crazy. My sisters dead, and speaking of which, her birthday is coming up soon.

My friends don't even give a shit. I thought they were getting better..

But yeah. They aren't.

So currently, I have no real friends that actually know whats going on. No one that understands.. and you know what I'm not going to fucking whine about it.

Because that's fucking retarded. Suck it up and get over with it.

I might love you but fuck if I care that your Mom almost ran you over with a car when MY MOM IS PUSHING ME OUT OF A FUCKING MOVING CAR!

So. If you want to come home and talk to me in a bitchy attitude, go right on fucking ahead. I'm not dealing with this shit anymore.

I won't tolerate it. I won't love you. I won't like you. I'll fucking hate you.

So. Yes. This post is directed to all of these fucking bitches that won't shut the hell up.

Ha. I'll fucking beat the shit out of you if I EVER get my hands on you. ><;

And if even one of you apologizes for my 'misfortunes' I'll fucking cut out your jugular.
3 bled to death // dying inside

Yay. Bed time. [12 Dec 2003|09:21pm]
I'm getting my scanner tomorrow!

But anyway. Yeah. I'll update my friends list as soon as I can.. But tonight LJ is fucking up so. Yeah. You have to wait. Though I will give the requested info..

[And yes cuddleslut, you are allowed to talk about sex in my livejournal.. considering sex is a consistent part of my every day life. I breathe it.. pretty much. Har.]

Anyway. Yeah. I'm thirteen. Y'all know that.

My current pet peeves?: Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. And chicks that wear thongs but don't have the decency to pull up their pants properly. [ as you all know, I am bisexual.. So yes, this is pretty bad when it happens so often that I have to bring it up. ]

Loves?: I adore music. Thrive off of it. I love my friends, they make me feel better. I love my Kitty. My Amy. My Cuddleslut.. My Ashley.. And everyone else that I forgot.

Current Obsession: This week it's Amy. Next week it'll probably go back to Kitty though. I've loved him the longest.<3

Funniest Quirk: If you hang around long enough, I'll end up giving you a nickname. Brendan... is my cuddleslut. is Kitty.^_^ Yup. The journal name rocks doesn't it? I picked it out. ;D

What I hate: When people leave me. And or, the all time worst... Blood. ><;

Okay. So that's a little bit about me. None of it makes sense, but oh well.

In one of those journal rating communities I got an A! Yay! For some reason everyone likes my journal entries. Eh.

Anyway. I'm going to bed. Now. Right now I say.

Leave me a comment. Or I'll be mad. Grr.
4 bled to death // dying inside

[12 Dec 2003|06:14pm]
I know very little about some of the people on my friends' list. Some people I know relatively well. Some of you I hardly know at all. Perhaps you lurk, for whatever reason. But you friended me and I thank you.

But here's a thought: why not take this opportunity to tell me a little something about yourself. Any old thing at all. Just so the next time I see your name I can say: "Ah, there's so and so...she likes spinach."

I'd love it if every single person who friended me would do this. Yes, even you people who I know really well. Then post this in your own journal, if you feel like it.

Cross posted from someone.
11 bled to death // dying inside

Bleh. [12 Dec 2003|01:13pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So.. here I am updating my journal at school. It's I get out in an hour, barely that. 2:10 is when I get out.. To be exact.

Anyhow, the happenings of the day so far. "I <3 Amy" is still on my hand.. Because well, I do love her. Not to mention the fact that it WILL NOT COME OFF!

I think I'm going to die. I swear. Everyone is asking me if I have a girlfriend. I'm just going to end up saying yes to shut them all up.

Swear to God.. I wish my cuddleslut was violent.<3 He could whip 'em. ^_^

Anyway. Yeah. So. Algebra. We're doing this problems solving shizit. It's confusing. I'm confused. Uck. I hate it.

Career went well. I'm going to be a webdesigner. Now if only I could figure out how HTML works. o.o; Ha.

Social studies was cool. I got my pro-life majigger thing done. Kind of amusing. Abortion sucks. I rock. Conclusion? Throw all the girls in jail.

There are some exceptions. Birth defects. Harm. Blah blah blah. But still. Woah.

Back to the girlfriend issue. I really need one. Hook me up someone. Seriously.

Kissus' make me feel better. I'll even splurge enough to let it be a boyfriend.. or something.

Question. Last time I checked I had like.. 22 buddies.

Why do I have 31 now? And none of them have commented?

I'm getting mad. :Growl.:

Just kidding. But you do have to comment though.

So hop to it!

<3 Me.

1 bled to death // dying inside

Ha. Ha. Ha. [11 Dec 2003|03:52pm]
My day was nice, actually.

Had to stop by the counselors office. That was pretty cool. She talked to me. I slept for a little while..

Then I went to class. That was pretty much my day, but rewind.

I wanted to cut last night. As usual. Anyhow.. Yeah.

I wrote 'I <3 AMY' on my hand in black permanent marker to remind myself why I'm not going to do it.

No big deal right?

Well, I had already taken my bath.. So, yeah. I forgot to wash it off. I woke up.. Went to school.. And my friends ended up stopping me.

So they did the usual hand checky thingy. [ I promised them that I'd stop cutting too.. If I didn't mention that in a past entry. ]

So, they were checking my hand. They saw the 'I <3 AMY' thing.. and they were like "OMG! AUTUMN YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!?"

I was rolling. ><; Seriously. Cracking up.

I do love Amy and all that sheist. And I'd go out with her and that jazz if she lived here.. but she doesn't. That's what made it funny.

Besides, she's all like.. WHEE. And I'm all like WOAH.

I have no clue what that meant. But anyway.


Ha. It was hilarious.

Good day. Good day.<3
1 bled to death // dying inside

I'll act like I care if you act like you're actually there. [10 Dec 2003|08:39pm]
So. Yeah. My day.

Haven't yet my therapist. They said it would be a couple more weeks due to minor difficulties. That rocks. Yay.

But besides that.. Nothing really has been going on worth telling.

Chase finally told everyone that he's my whore.

Seventeen year old freak hit on me. [I wish my cuddleslut was here. He would have so beat him up. >< ]

Found out what I'm getting [supposedly] for Christmas.

A scanner. So you all can see pretty pictures of me. Whoo.

I hope I get a scanner anyway. I have about thirteen Christmas's believe it or not. I go around saying 'come on, this will be my only Christmas gift'.. So they get it for me.. And a week later I find my other 'only christmas' gift.

I'm currently watching Viva La Bam. That show rocks. Doing my Algebra homework too. That shit sucks.

I got a test tomorrow. I know how to do it.. I just know I'll forget.><;

So. Anyway. Yeah. You fuckers need to start commenting more or GET THE HELL OFF OF MY BUDDYLIST!

This is not directed towards some people.<3

Anyway. I'mma.. go sift through the 'cool' communities.. See if any of them will actually.. accept me.

They always make me laugh.

Har. Later<3.
6 bled to death // dying inside

[10 Dec 2003|06:48pm]
hmm. lack of post.

i <3 amy. i <3 kitty. roar.
2 bled to death // dying inside

Yeah. And? [09 Dec 2003|06:45pm]
So. Yeah. BMX.

No. Way. In. Hell.

Skateboarding I can handle. Romping around in the dirt, fine. Wrestling around in much, cool as fuck.

Getting up on a fucking bike and flipping an EXTRA five feet in the air scares me shitless.

Someone would be laying beneath the fucking bike incase I were to fall. Lemme' tell you. This shit isn't happening.

The boys asked me to go to the jumps this Saturday wif' 'em.

That's fun. I can handle the jumps.. But tricks? Uck. No.

My little mongoose of a bike is staying pretty much on the fuckin' ground thankies very much.

On a lighter note! I decorated the Christmas tree today. It's kick ass. And uber fake. But it's like.. whee.

I've finally decided on my favorite band. Pink Floyd. Roar. Took me forever to decide. Finally, that's what I came up with.


I got out of school early. ^_^ Yay. I'm failing this quarter. Got to raise my grades up. Promised my Paps' I'd do it for his Christmas present.

I keep my promises.;D

Busted my fucking knuckles to hell playin' quarters. I won though, so yeah. As long as I won.

I kicked Tom's ass.

Okay. Better post later. This sucks. Oh well. Laters. ^_^
3 bled to death // dying inside

So. [08 Dec 2003|06:00pm]
Jeany is no longer considered a friend.

Can't say that I'll miss her. You can't really miss a person that isn't there.

I still love her and shit. Whatever. ><; I'm not going to waste my time with someone that refuses to care.

Though I do understand, she has her own problems. I have mine.

Too many of both. Clash worthy.

A few months until I get my legal working permit.

Just a little while longer.><;

XelHasPixieStix [5:58 PM]: -hugs tightly- Megh
aisIe 5 [5:59 PM]: -curl.-
XelHasPixieStix [5:59 PM]: -loves- I still love you, Leafy.
aisIe 5 [5:59 PM]: -curl.- i love you too.
XelHasPixieStix [6:00 PM]: Good. You gonna be okay?
aisIe 5 [6:01 PM]: Why wouldn't I be?
XelHasPixieStix [6:01 PM]: -shrug- Dunno. Making sure.
aisIe 5 [6:02 PM]: Was I supposed to care?

I <3 Kitty.
1 bled to death // dying inside

A post to the Gods. [07 Dec 2003|10:38pm]
I'm not exactly sure what inspired me to write this post.. I don't really know why I was thinking about these things... But I am.. And I know that I don't want to be.

I'm a horrible person, we all know it. I hate receiving sympathy, but it makes me feel better about myself when I give it.

Maybe in some twisted way.. This wasn't supposed to happen. I fucked up somehow, and God saw it and decided that I needed to be punished.

When I was little.. like, really little. Seven years old I think.. I remember having to walk to my Dad's trailor, from my Aunt's house. I didn't have a jacket on, didn't have tennis shoes.. Just shorts, and a t-shirt.

But I can remember the cold. I can remember the way Dad wrapped me up in his jacket.. And tried to tell me he was sorry for what he had done.. Though at the time I didn't know what it was.

I was innocent then.. And him getting drunk was something I hadn't really been around all that much. I forgave him.

My Aunt called my Mom. My Mom came to pick me up.. and Dad wouldn't let her. Dad forced her to stay in the house. He wouldn't let us leave.

Mom didn't tell him to stop. Mom didn't ask him to let us go. Mom didn't care about herself. Mom didn't care about me. The following weekend I had to go to the hospital for having repeated seizures due to my fever.

What caused it? Walking five miles in the cold.

I wish I was innocent now. I'm supposed to be.. I'm thirteen. ><;

I'm not fourty. And that's what it feels like.

I wish you all could actually understand. I'm not just putting these things here for you to read.

I'm writing what I feel.. And at the moment that's a lot.
And it usually isn't.

Anyway. I start seeing "the" therapist soon. She better be nice. I'll have to poke her to death if she isn't.

So. Yes. I've got to go to bed soon. Got to wake up early in the morning.

Did I ever mention that I love you all?

Don't think I did..

But I do.
4 bled to death // dying inside

[07 Dec 2003|10:10pm]
Fill this out dammit! I'll give you a real post tomorrow! ^_^

01. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
02. Am I loveable?
03. How long have you known me?
04. When and how did we first meet?
05. What was your first impression?
06. Do you still think that way about me now?
07. What do you think my weakness is?
08. Do you think I'll get married?
09. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
21. QUICK! Is there anything you want to tell me?
3 bled to death // dying inside

Alone. Alone. Alone. [07 Dec 2003|04:33am]
So, it's 4:35 in the morning. I'm awake, of course. As usual. Nothing new.

Amy just got offline. She rocks my socks. I'mma marry her. Hee.

Anyhow. Yeah. I left a comment in Brendan's journal. He doesn't love me. That hurts my feelings. Seriously. I think I'm going to cry.

Okay, so. Yeah. Carving is not cutting people. Cutting involves blood. I'm stepping away from it. Slowly. I did carve something into my arm though. 'Tired'.

I don't know why I did it really.. I'm just.. ugh.

I've got to be up at eleven tomorrow. My grandpa is taking me out to get Christmas cards and the like.

I'm checking my email right before I go so like.. leave a comment if you want a card.. Or something. I'll give y'all three days to post and tell me you want one.. And then I'm sending.

Anyhow, yeah. I wonder why people don't leave me comments that bash me. That would be so cool. Y'all would tear 'em apart. It'd be hilarious.


I talked to Jynxie earlier. Damn. She and I are so much alike it's fucking funny. But yeah, whatever.

I hate when people only comment when I'm angry or sad. I want people to comment on every day things too!

I can honestly say it does make me feel better.

And Riley, I like you too.. Bish. ;D

Y'all wish Brendan a happy belated birthday and the like.

Anyone elses birthday coming up soon?

Anything exciting happen?

My grandma bought my blue hair dye. So. Here we go. From black and red to blue hopefully. I want it to work dammit.

Question of the day:

How would you describe Autumn? You want to have sex with her don't you? ^^
1 bled to death // dying inside

:Hum.: I've got a munchkin in my pants! [06 Dec 2003|09:21pm]

Okay, kay kay. I am such a bitch.. It's not even funny.

I reach a new level of bitchiness everyday. Okay, so I guess it is kind of funny.

As you see...I've finally got the new layout.

So all of you people that were complaining.. Smoke my cock, fucking bitches.

Anyhow. Rofl. The haps. The girl that helped rocked out the LJ of course, as you can tell... I tried to help her stand up for herself.. And I get slammed right in the fucking face.

I mean this chick could actually stand up to me.. Without the whole.. me cussing part. I was trying to be all intelligent, it didn't work. I usually win when I act stupid. ;D

But anyway.. Finally I'm like holy shit.. I would have gotten along with this chick!

Ha. It was so funny. I was cracking up.

I didn't even know the chick. I was just.. woo!

In a good mood. I felt like bitching. Ha. I'm such a whore.

Anyhow. I was thinking about going to church tomorrow. Then I remembered that I didn't own a dress.. And that I'd have to wear my regular clothes.

I.E: Big baggy pants, biiiiiiiig baggy shirts with cuss words on 'em.. a trench coat, and a trucker hat. All in black. Woot.

But yeah. My Grandpa was all like "Ha, they'd probably kick you out of church Autumn."

It was funny. My Grandpa is sick.. as most of you know.. And I live with my grandparents because well, no one else wants me.. But that isn't the point.

He looks like santa. Swear to fucking God. All except for the facial hair.. My papa ish the bomb<3.

Anyway. Today was a good day. I was a little grumpy this morning, but I took some medicine and now I'm all better.

I carved 'FUCK' in my hand.. but didn't really cut. So, yeah. I'm keeping to my promises.

I'm so not cool.

Want sex? Vroom vroom.
2 bled to death // dying inside

Loooooooong post. [06 Dec 2003|01:44am]
[ mood | hyper! ]

I'm in a completely out of wack mood. I'm really happy for the first time in weeks so I decided to post...

A lot of stuff.

Kind of just some info no one knew about me... Hrm..

I love Sprite Remix, it tastes yummy in my tummy. I have to take nyquil in order to go to sleep. I get very easily attached to people, but I can also detach myself in an instant. It's not often that a person can make me feel bad about myself, but when they do.. It's pretty horrid. I hold grudges.. for like, ever. I love Disney movies. I think they're so fun to watch. My favorite one currently would have to be the Lion King. Har.

I'm addicted to music. I can't live without it. Seether, Cold, Three Days Grace.. and so on and so forth. Believe it or not I was one of those... baby models when I was younger. Won something for it, a trophy.. But I forget what it was all about. The only thing I can really remember is going into a white room and lying to the judges, telling them I had a cat and all of that jazz.

My walls are completely black. I just went upstairs one day and told everyone that that's what color I wanted them to be. Within three days it was done. I often go into lapses to where I don't speak for one or two days at all. It's kind of like.. washing your system out. If you don't talk, people don't talk to you. That's that, period.

I don't feel bad about myself a lot, but when I do I cut. It was an ongoing thing, but recently I decided to quit with the urging[and squaking] of my friend Amy. My hair was naturally blonde when I was younger. Recently dyed black and red. My eyes are bluish grey, I love them.

I go to thrift stores and buy junk with money that isn't mine.. And then I let that junk sit and rot in my room until someone comes and hauls it out. I never clean. If I had the choice I would probably eat nothing but chocolate pudding. [Obsession.] Out of all my friends.. All over the world, located where ever they are. Near me.. or far away.. I love Jeany the most.

I'm plan on marrying Amy when I get older.<3 Inside joke. No. But anyhow, sexuality. Yeah. I'm bisexual. Brendan is my cuddleslut. And just to see if Em is reading this.. She is so my whore.^__^

I think the world of my grandparents, and I adore the real friends that I do have. The rest are superficial. I plan on being a writer when I become an adult.. I'd never really use the term 'when I grow up' because I doubt that I ever will. I'll always be Autumn Renee Green, and she will never grow old at heart. Even though on the outside she'll be a lazy bag of bones! ^_^

I love cuddling. I love getting comments. I love being loved on.<3 And I love writing letters. Hint. Hint.

By the way. What do you all want for Christmas? I'm going.... SHOPPING!

And just so y'all know I want.. Hmm, these things:

A paid LJ account.
A CD case.
Some chocolate pudding.
Pictures of me lovelies.<3

That's about it. I'm not really particular am I? Ha. Yeah. Anyway. I'm going to mope if someone doesn't get me the LJ account thingy. :pout.:

3 bled to death // dying inside

:Growl.: [05 Dec 2003|08:31pm]
I don't think it's a good thing.

Me being around mad people, that is.

Amy just got online and was all NFDSDGFWBWETGW. It made me feel like shit.. So I try to make a joke to make her feel better and she snaps at me.

Well, this is fucking dandy. I would have said 'KISS MY FUCKING ASS'.. But I don't want her to go away, 'cause she's not like that most of the time.

But anyhow, the rest of my day is most likely ruined. Yay for me.
7 bled to death // dying inside

Wow. [05 Dec 2003|03:57pm]
I totally posted something in the wrong community.. And I just made myself look so fucking stupid..

It's hilarious. These people actually commented and asked if it was a joke.. and then I checked where I posted and then it was all like... 'snap crackle pop.'

Ha. Still funny. Anyway, my LJ has been declared suck-a-delic. So. Yeah. Whee.<3
dying inside

c u t m e [04 Dec 2003|10:10pm]
It hurt. So much. Bath. It burned.

I love myself. I love Amy. I love my grandparents. I love Kitty. I love everybody who bothers to actually care.

I'm going to stop, completely.

Maybe then the journal entries won't be so depressing.



I need someone to help me with mah' LJ layout. 'cause I suck. You know you want to help me!

Question of the day:

Coke or Pepsi? Why?
2 bled to death // dying inside

Dum dum dum. [04 Dec 2003|07:51pm]
[ mood | Cuddly!! ]

I feel much better now. I had such a good day it wasn't even funny.

I called Amy. XD I froze my ass off, but that's okay.

The only shitty thing that happened was that I popped the front tire on my bike. It sucks. But oh well.

I talked to Kitty last night. And Brendan. Brendan is now my cuddleslut.

Back to Kitty, though. We don't talk that much anymore. And it makes me sad, 'cause he makes me feel better.

But anyway, I'mma start talking to him more.. And start making him talk to me. Mhm.


It's close to Christmas. If you want a letter and or a card.. Or something.. You've got to email me n' gimme yer' address!

Hurry! Hurry!

aisIe 5 [7:52 PM]: Love me?
XelHasPixieStix [7:52 PM]: Always.
XelHasPixieStix [7:52 PM]: Aishiteru itsumo, bebeh.
aisIe 5 [7:53 PM]: That would be so fucking cool.. if I knew what that was.
aisIe 5 [7:53 PM]: And or meant.
XelHasPixieStix [7:54 PM]: I love you forever.
XelHasPixieStix [7:54 PM]: ^_^

I'm loved. :pats tummy.:

3 bled to death // dying inside

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]